I really need to do this. More.
I’m back in school (precariously though, because… any moment now, we really should be shutting down but somehow we’ve made it week 6) and I can’t breathe. I am suffocated by the incessant assignment and projects, the egregious stares I keep getting from white people in virtually every space I step onto on campus, and finally, looming sickness and poverty wrapped up in one. Let’s talk about that.
Somebody please tell me, seriously, drop it in the comments, email me, dm on Instagram but somebody pleaseeeeeeee, WHEN ARE WHITE PEOPLE GOING TO STOP STARING AT EVERY NON-WHITE PERSON THEY SEE?
I know you thought it was just a casual, harmless gaze but I literally can’t breathe without feeling a ton of eyes on me, like can I eat my vegan burger ~in peace~? What happened to all that learning and listening you were doing? Did someone forget to mention that staring at black women with long-ass-fuck, crimson red braids is also a micro-aggression?
That on top of everything has left me gasping for air. I’m stuck between not taking COVID seriously enough and feeling the awkwardness of dodging social settings because of the pandemic. The whole time, I’m hating my school for not valuing my life enough and I’m hating the land on which I walk.
I want to go home but I can’t even stand it there. I feel so displaced. I want to be around family again, every single one of them. Even the ones I don’t usually see. I have nowhere to run to when I need to get away from the hollow eyes following me everywhere or the evil capitalist gatekeepers trying to nail me to a cross for being too poor. I want to go home but I have to choose between my roots; a safe haven for me to freely be myself, and finishing this degree. I don’t even have a choice, I have to keep being an “alien” for two more years.
Which, if you didn’t know, is an offensive way to refer to foreigners.
Anyway, these are the reasons I haven’t been writing as much. I don’t know what to say when I’m always angry. I can’t write the same 500-word essays on why I hate the world over and over and I don’t want to rant. I just want to breathe.
But I’ll write some more soon, I promise.
P.S: Might also share the rest of my design school portfolio if you want, lol.