Disclaimer: The quarantine queen title is gender-inclusive 🙂
All over the world, people are being quarantined and are being compelled to practice social distancing. We are trying desperately to remain sane in a world that seems bordering on the insane. So, the time is just right for us to ponder, reflect, meditate, and discover the world within our own minds.Avijeet Das
So Douglas County is officially on lockdown as with many other regions in the world. I’ve been at home for three weeks so this doesn’t have any special effect on me because I’m already bored out of my mind, I’ve twiddled my fingers and taken long unnecessary naps for wont of any kind of stimulating activity.
I’ve also spent way too long playing with my foster cat.
In the midst of such a big lull in my life I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve not come up with the short story that I promised on my Instagram (oops) but I’ve come up with something even better!
A list! A list of identifiable quarantine personality traits (otherwise known as qweens).
Now this would have been really cool as a Buzzfeed-esque quiz but I would have to put a lot of work into that and I’m just trying to get into bed and binge-watch Killing Eve before season 3 comes out.
P.S: To make it fun we’re going to use Toy Story Characters because I haven’t seen Toy Story 4 but because of the lockdown and my Disney+ account that I’ve been paying for and not using, now I finally can!
So let’s begin…
- Little Miss Quaran-thing
This is that person in high school who was a straight A student, captain of the debate team, captain of the volleyball team and now they’re majoring in Political Science because they want to go to Law school and minoring in business. They’re probably in student government, they have multiple investing apps on their phone and they own bitcoin.
They have a planner that’s thicker than the Bible, four different productivity apps, they say different variations of the phrase “I’m really busy” multiple times a day and they own a Fitbit, not an Apple Watch.
When their city gets shut down, they’ll cry and complain about how all their plans have either been cancelled, re-located to Zoom or postponed (which will be worse because then they’d have to re-schedule them and may run into loads of schedule conflicts, most of which will be for prospective events and meetings).
Once they get over that they’ll schedule 50 Zoom meetings at once, put up their Quarantine Routine on the magnetic dry-erase calendar on the fridge and when they’re not busy with something, they scroll through the news on their iPad and complain about how all their plans have been ruined because people won’t just stay inside.
2. High Fever Foodie
The High-Fever Foodie is at every moment waiting for their next meal.
Before the lockdown, they wouldn’t make it to a function without some food. If free food wasn’t being served they would bring some of their own. They don’t have many dietary restrictions or if they do, they just ignore them so they can try as many different things possible.
In the lockdown, they’re most affected by the closed restaurants but they’re no stranger to Postmates. And while they may be picking up pizzas and greasy bags of fries from their doorstep from time to time, they’re also circling the fridge like a vulture every five minutes.
You know the phrase curb your enthusiasm? Yeah that doesn’t work here.
Now that they’re at home, they find that they notice the emptiness in their mouths when there’s no food in it. When they go out grocery shopping, it’s a cart full of chips, ice cream, popcorn, chocolate, cookies, etc.
Because snacking makes the time go by.
3. The Corona Challenger
They haven’t put down their phone since the lockdown began.
In the days before the lockdown, this qween was trying to be somebody. They had active social media accounts, just waiting for the one post that would propel them into stardom, but they never had the time to develop those super crazy, super funny, extra af Tik Toks.
Now, it’s a whole different story.
No school, no work and no responsibilities mean it’s the right time for Tik Tok productions. And who cares if suddenly the market is oversaturated because everyone keeps joining Tik Tok. This qween spends all their time learning the moves for every challenge, the words to every voice over and they keep trying to think of super fun way to get their friends involved as well.
But it doesn’t end with that.
They’ve participated in every instagram and snapchat challenge that’s come up (they made sure they were tagged in every one) and they tagged at least 50 other people to join in as well. This is the prime time for their social campaign.
4. S.I.S (Self-Isolation Sweetie)
The self-isolation sweetie is completely fine with being in quarantine. I mean, they have to.
They just flew out of either London, New York, Chicago or Milan and they seem to understand that they have to be careful.
This qween minds their business and counts down the days till when they can rejoin their family (or the other estranged inhabitants of their home). They kind of enjoy being left alone, they don’t have to wash dishes, help make dinner, do their own laundry.
They’re pretty good at being on their own, they take things slowly because this is a pandemic; what are you gonna do? However, they’re lowkey scared at the same time, They want to believe that the pandemic will clear out by May but they can also see it extending way longer.
It needs to be done by their birthday though, they have big plans.
They need distractions, loads of them and it doesn’t help that they’re stuck in a basement in a house of 9 people, but they’ll distract themselves anyway because for these qweens, there’s enough to worry about tomorrow.
5. Quarantine QT
Nothing will stop this baddie. Not even Social Distancing.
This qween does not miss a beat. Before the lockdown, they were probably the most glamorous person you knew. Outfits on point, brows on fleek, skin glowing, cheekbones perched high on their well-structured face, shiny hair, make up on point, you know what I mean.
I might even add that I myself was a baddie of this form before the pandemic but I digress…
The Quarantine QT could never be caught slipping. Social Distancing who? They’re still going to dress up each morning because every one knows that when you look good, you feel good and we can’t let Ms. Rona bring us down!
They’ll put on make up just to go downstairs, they’ll practice their editorial looks with all this free time they have, they’ll do all those make up Tik Tok challenges because they’re a baddie and they have to let you know. And they’ll never be bored because they’re following Naomi Campbell’s workout routine at twelve, they’re watching their favourite celebs doing concerts on IG live, following live make up tutorials, dance and yoga classes and trying new recipes beecause they’re gonna come come out of the quarantine way better than the way they were.
6. Corona Couch Potato
They are probably feeling the most disrespected by the sudden appearance of online classes.
The Corona Couch Potato has done the same three things every day for the past three weeks and will continue in that cycle for the next three months if they had to. They’re constantly laying in bed and watching shows all day, occasionally swapping out for a video game every once in a while.
But they won’t get up unless they need to pee because this qween already loaded up on the snacks; which are all now within an inch from them.
This lockdown thing isn’t really working out for them because they’re the most bored. On a regular day they wouldn’t necessarily have something exciting to do but now that their options are limited and they’ve lost the drive to delve into anything extraordinary, they’re stuck in a mindless cycle.
By the time the quarantine ends, they’ll probably still be bored.
7. Quarantine Call Centre
They’re probably the reason you downloaded House Party. Again.
This qween absolutely can not deal with social distancing. Their social life is the one thing they need to survive and the pandemic won’t ruin that. They’re the one friend that’s always blowing up your phone because they’re either texting you about FaceTiming, FaceTiming you or they’re always “in the House” or walking into unlocked rooms in House Party.
They’ll post snaps on Snapchat about needing new FaceTime buddies, they’ll pull up a long list of movies to watch with Netflix Party, or they’ll grab a drink or a few and get a couple of friends together for a virtual FaceTime party or co-ordinate duets to Tik Toks.
The Quarantine Call Centre needs to be with people and they will be even if they’re making these connections from the comfort of their homes.
Regardless of how you’re dealing with the situation always remember, tough times don’t last, tough people do.
Let me know, which Quarantine Qween are you? I’m a type-B Little Miss Quaran-thing (I don’t own an Apple Watch or a Fitbit) but I’m also a little bit of a Corona Couch Potato and High-Feever Foodie, all my snacks are almost gone 😦