It’s getting very scary out there, but what happens when that dark cloud comes into your apartment?
Roommates are like a box of cheap fireworks, you never know what they will do next.Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls
Whatever country you’re reading this from, in whatever climate your reading this, your country is probably in a fragile state right now. Except if you live in the Southern Hemisphere (with the exception of Australia), you must be having a ball right now and I rightfully celebrate with you.
You’ve been through so much information and misinformation about this disease you’re probably in a manic state by now and with each passing day we tell ourselves it can’t get any worse than this even though each day proves to be more fearful than the last…
Well, I can tell you that it definitely can get worse. Let me illustrate something.
You’re holed up at home, you bought all the toilet paper from all the grocery stores in town, you’ve bagged all the canned food, the frozen food, the ice cream. You’ve hoarded everything you could possibly need to survive, maybe even the most ridiculous things and you plan on staying inside until Ms. Rona leaves town; however, she’s not going anywhere. In fact, she makes a place for herself right inside your apartment, right inside your roommate.
It starts at breakfast, you’re just sitting down eating oatmeal while admiring how many boxes of ceral you’ve stashed in your pantry, you’re talking with your roomie then suddenly, a sneeze. You think nothing of it. The conversation goes on. Then another, and another. Three sneezes in a row.
You chuckle nervously.
She makes a joke about corona, you laugh and make another one. It’s okay, it’s flu season so maybe she has the flu? Doesn’t matter, you have a basket full of medication; when they said stock up, you weren’t playing.
A day later and just as you enter the living room you hear your roommate release a series of dry coughs; each one more violent than the last. You pretend you didn’t hear a thing and you move on, but there’s a look in her eyes. And sure as hell, there’s a look in yours too…
What do you do if you suspect your roommate has COVID-19?
I don’t trust my roommate right now, to be honest. She’s been coughing and sneezing and she says it’s allergies but I know what’s really going on. I’ve been thinking about how to approach her with this information but I’ve also been thinking, maybe I don’t need to approach her at all.
Here are 5 simple steps to take if you suspect your roommate has the coronavirus:
- Stare at them with severe intimidation until they get the message that you no longer feel safe.
Listen, this social-distancing thing can work outside of your apartment, but how do you distance yourself from the girl in the room next to yours? You have to put up this invisible barrier, you have to make them distrust you and dislike you in order to keep them away from you. If you’re lucky and your roommate is a Scorpio it won’t be difficult to provoke them into putting up a wall around themselves. Eventually they should leave you alone, Scorpios are very good at holding the silent treatment.
2. Stop helping out around the apartment
Stop taking out the trash, making whatever meals you’ve been designated to make, doing the dishes, etc. If you stop helping out and you start being a terrible roommate; while this may initially lead to them being on your back (depending on their zodiac sign) this will eventually result in them staying away from you and minding their own business. This way you don’t get mixed up with whatever germs they have. They’ll also start to distance themselves from you because you’re such a terrible roommate so they won’t want anything to do with you.
That of course puts you at a better position of not getting infected and once you’ve guaranteed your health, you can worry about the optics later.
3. Draw a line separating your side of the apartment and theirs.
This is way more effective than you would think.
Creating imaginary barriers are just as powerful as physical ones. How do you think Trump got America to to keep refugees in cages for this long?
Begin to separate your belongings and keep to your sides of the apartment. This is the best form of social-distancing you can do from your roommate while they wait to see if their symptoms develop into COVID-19. It’s really the only opportunity you have seeing as they’re going to need to isolate themselves from others and they’re going to need to isolate themselves from you.
Better still, you can just throw all their stuff out until they feel the need to follow suit and leave as well.
4. Trick them into leaving the apartment.
This one will be both funny and easy to pull off, you can even record it too. It would make a great story for your grandkids, you know, if the world doesn’t end.
Depending on how good of a liar you are you can use some kind of fake news (something that would get a strong reaction out of them) to lure them out of the door or you could tempt them with something that isn’t there. If you haven’t already tried step 2. you can ask them to take out the trash or go get the mail and then BOOM! lock them out. Depending on how dedicated you are (and this is a pandemic we’re talking about, so you have to literally fight for your life) you can do something a little more extra like adopt an animal they’re allergic to and use that to get them to leave voluntarily.
Or involuntarily, since you’ll be forcing them out.
You can also plant a couple of things they’re scared of around the apartment and use that to get rid of them.
5. Turn up the heat
This will work regardless of what hemisphere you live in but especially in the northern hemisphere (Canadian residents, I hope you’re listening).
Turning up the heat is a GOOD tactic for chasing roommates away, if you know me, you know what I’m talking about, wink wink.
If you turn up the heat, they’ll start to feel faint after a while because it’s too much to bear and the next best thing will be for them to take a step outside and absorb the cold air; where you can lock yourself back in and turn down the heat if you so desire. Before that, they’ll try and fight you about it definitely but if they show too much restraint, you can either a) turn the thermostat up and break it so they can’t turn it back down (in that case, I hope you have the electricity bill for the next couple of months) or b) say that you have the coronavirus and that you’ve heard the disease can’t survive in warm temperatures; which will no doubt cause your roommate to leave instantly.
Regardless of what steps you take, it’s important to make sure you’re healthy, so throughout the process of removing your roomie you do need to wash your hands constantly, for 20 seconds each time and under no circumstances should you touch your roomie. Make sure you are spraying all handles, light switches and anything that regularly comes into contact with your fingertips with disinfectant spray and please use the disinfectant wipes that you are hoarding (because there has to be reason all the Clorox wipes are gone, right?). Once again, wash your hands. Your rommate may not have good manners and they may not cough into their elbows. Never fear, just buy a face mask, oh wait… they’re sold out, aren’t they?
No worries, you can always uh… take a shower? Like, with soap. You can also not binge on junk food, schools are closed so take some time to learn how to cook, eat a vegetable or two, maybe even supplement it with some vitamins because you want to keep your immune system nice and tight. Drink water. Sleep. And wash your hands.
Anyway, I’m currently putting steps 3 and 4 into place with my own roommate, it’s a little harder because we’re actually related but I never give up!
Stay safe, wash your hands, stop mass buying toilet paper and please, don’t panic.
P.S: This post was written purely to entertain, like I said, it’s getting scary out there, but we all deserve a few minutes of happiness. 💖